Each quick pound of the hammer vibrates through metal, wood, wind, space. Six or seven in quick succession; then a pause before the next nail is set, allowing the subtler buzzings of downtown Fukuoka a chance to be heard. The workers - small, skinny, clad in white helmets and baggier pants than the Western mind can wrap itself around - are preparing the steel reinforcement and wooden mold for yet another concrete box to be lost in a sea of concrete boxes. Lost to all except, of course, whomever eventually finds a home within. I look down and across the street at the workers, the work, the working. It's sunny, clear, and cool outside. A part of me also has the hammer in hand and the sun on my neck, each breath a cool relief from the heat generated by the high sun and constant motion. The bottoms of my bare feet feel the weight of my body pressing them against the cold concrete of a 10th floor balcony, molded in the same way not more than a few years ago. I grant a moment of attention to the oily feeling on my face from not having shaved or showered yet today. Then another to the aftertaste of green tea lingering between my tongue and the top of my mouth.
With each moment so overwhelming in scope and beauty, it almost seems a pity to stop and reflect on past moments or anticipate future ones. But there is value in reflecting on moments passed - it expands and sharpens one's ability to Understand and be fully present. There is value in creating purpose, so long as it's done with a subtle awareness of purposelessness. There is value in sharing experience and insight with those who are hungry. I know, because I could eat a sheep, and owe a great debt to those who have passed this way before me and made themselves to shepherds.
I ended my time as Izena's English teacher three months ago. It was a beautiful two years on a beautiful island, and it ended in a beautiful way - laughter, tears, and a rainbow of flying paper ribbons in the rain.This is a time of transition for me, in that I've closed the JET Program chapter, and don't have a secure plan for what's next. These three months have been a roller-coaster ride for my thoughts and emotions as some unknown force dangles before me one attachment after another, and mockingly whispers, "You have no control over any of it!" The day to day swings in mood and thought content have been so violent at times that I can't help but stop and laugh - How arbitrary and out of control my own mind can be! The past few months, more than any other time in my life, have been full of events that initially appeared to be great problems and soon after revealed themselves to be essential for my growth. As if the scathing fires of some great and unknown possibility draw me nearer, burning away everything that separates me from it as I approach...
I owe it to the training in Vipassana meditation that I can observe the storm within and stay fairly sane, balanced, and functional, if not integrated with the conditions around me. I signed up to do another 10-day retreat this month in Kyoto, and had been looking forward to taking the ten days to go inside myself in silence, and enjoy the serenity, beauty, and nourishment at the center. Yesterday I got an email saying that they were short on volunteers and requesting that I come to the course to serve, meaning that I would cook, clean, and otherwise take care of the practical stuff so that the course participants could focus completely on meditation. At first I felt a not-so-subtle kernel of resistance, feeling that my opportunity to get what I needed from the course would be taken away. "I'm in a really tough transition," it screamed. "I need to really get quiet and open up to what's next!!" Thankfully, a deeper knowing was in control, and I accepted the request immediately. Since then, I can't think of a better thing to reveal itself than an opportunity to serve and make it possible for others to learn this technique that has made such a wonderful difference in my life. Knowing my own mind, it might be difficult at times to deal with personalities and go deep into meditation at the same time, but I am determined to serve with love and compassion.
